ghosts haunting me

nonsense rant i wrote at 1am on a random friday

 i dont want to come off as emo (tho being alt is something i wanna do in the future)

i am constantly reminded of every little social fuck up ive ever done. and every embarassing moment in my life. daily. im not sure why i was accursed with this, and if anyone else feels this way. it hurts my core to think about my past. i was a conservative edgy asshole. i said a lot of stupid things. acted stupid and missed out on many opprotunities, lost a lot of friends because of my past as a fucking idiot. its pathetic to think that these past mistakes follow me, but they haunt my mind. and im not sure why. they shouldnt. but it still continues to follow me wherever i go. i could pour it out into music, sure. but who will stick up to the ex-homophone ex-transphobe turned gay demiboy. whos gonna listen to the woke fag who used to be a conservative fucking record skip. i looked through my emails. at 13, i was attempting to write to conservative outlets, seeking advice. i was seeking validation through conservative talkers, to no avail. because they werent gonna stick for me. my thoughts and issues didnt align with them. moreso, they went against everything i believed in. yet i denied how i was feeling and what was going through me simply for the sole attempt at validation. only recently have i realized a community that was out for me, offering validation and an outlet for expression. i remind myself of my attempts at joining a shitty bully group back in 8th grade in order to "fit in." I didn't need to do it, and my attempts ended in failure drawing me to cry to my mom right after the middle school prom. not mention freshman year, where I had thrown myself off the deep end hurting everyone and everything around me in my angst. and of course, my ignorance of my friends and people around me that were there for me, that i overlooked because of my ridiculous thoughts and ridiculous view of myself. some say i lost my mind in last november. others say i opened a door. i have. a coincidence of events led me to build a tightknit friend group that let me truly express how i feel and understand myself. that would be crim hq. curlycasino. had i not pulled up to that high school pep rally, i might have never made some of my closest friends, and tightened my friendship with my other friends. have i not had my job, skipped my bus, and been in that crash.. i would have never made a close friend of mine. who in turn threw me into a domino effect of meeting amazing people just like me. if i hadn't already had 6 friends who related to me, that i had just realized to try and notice and actually give attention to... i now have nearly 40 friends all in active conversation... not to forget all my online friends who had i not met, learned from, etc.. i would have never  grown from. i am still not putting this in the right words. i keep dragging this idea that i fucked up a lot. even if i had not. im just hoping my future (if it will come) will be a bright one. im scared, yet hopeful. yet unhopeful, grim. i make this joke often, telling others my future is living under a bridge, smoking crack and giving head for money. maybe there's a little truth in that. perhaps not. i have everything handed to me. my mom is paying for my education. and here i am, on this fucking bridge throwing it away. and i decide not to do it, knowing it's a stupid decision, walk to the side of the road and throw up--- or some shit

 

fuck its just been on my mind all week im sorry to anyone im annoying or weirding out with this shit. im weird and a sorry individual who constantly apologizes and bitches and degrades himself... and i do so hypocritically on this blog whatever im writing.